Going Public...
How choosing to go big or go home opened the door to learning the power of stepping up, showing up, and speaking up regarding your truth using the right words.
It was mid-2017 when it became clear the words I was using to describe my experience needed to change. The insight came in a conversation where someone expressed concern about whether I should share my personal experience at all.
From my standpoint staying silent wasn’t an option.
I’d seen too many people like me who were holding back, constrained by something in their past, and remaining silent when they had so much to offer. I'd sold my business and committed to making a difference by sharing my truth. It was time to take a big step forward or I would have to abandon my dream of helping others by sharing the message that mattered most to me (and I believed to them).
My one-on-one conversations across the previous two years had been powerful and valuable, but my impatience was growing. There had to be a quicker way to get feedback. I needed to engage with a broader audience to test the message path I was now considering—blunt, direct, intense to hear, and, most important, the truth.
This question had haunted me for weeks—
Where could I find a larger audience to test the message AND get feedback on the path forward quickly?
The answer came early one morning in the first email in my inbox. It offered an opportunity to be coached on-stage in front of a large audience at an event called Heroic Public Speaking Live.
What a perfect way to take the next step!
Not only could I test my messaging, I could receive feedback from experts on how to make it more effective. And I would be able to see the faces of literally hundreds of people as I shared the story I was now committed to telling.
Without hesitation I immediately signed up for one of the slots and started pondering the event. Fortunately, along the way there were a few conversations with the event team to prepare me for the experience, and my comfort and confidence in the decision I’d made grew along with my anticipation.
On Stage on Tuesday, September 26, 2017, 8:45 am ET…
The speech segment I prepared for my time on stage was about the timeline of life’s journey and the most impactful events we experience. The framing had emerged from my conversations across the previous years—we each travel a journey and are impacted by pivotal moments where something changed for us.
The big challenge (and open question) in my story was the occurrence of a pivotal moment very early in my life. I was only ten when it happened and it had changed me in ways that are hard to capture or summarize quickly.
With a limited amount of time there was no way to avoid the intensity of that message early in my time with the audience. Though it was risky, I opted to jump in with both feet and test the new wording immediately—after all, I was there to learn how it impacted the audience and wanted to squeeze every bit of insight I could from the moment.
Difficult moments are both hard to express and to hear…
I opened with a quick introduction outlining how our lives are journeys filled with moments that impact us deeply. I suggested those moments shape us in ways we may not understand, potentially for many years. Then I stepped forward to map the timeline of my life’s journey using the simple framing of decades.
That moment remains imprinted in my brain.
As I write this, I can feel the tension in my body, vividly recalling the tightening of my throat as I shared the sentence I’d chosen to depict the pivotal moment at the end of the first decade of my life.
These questions raced around in my brain—
How would I feel uttering the words I’d chosen? How would the audience react? Would this move my work forward or would it be a setback? What coaching would I receive? Would I be able to maintain my awareness of the moment enough to see the reactions of the audience? Could I control my emotions and not break down in the moment?
I quickly scanned the audience and shared that for some of us the pivotal moments are painful…hesitating just enough to allow me to sort of prepare the audience for what was coming.
Then I said it:
“For me, the most pivotal moment in my first decade was being raped and molested for a year by someone who threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone. And it silenced me for over two decades.”
The next few seconds felt like an eternity as I scanned the audience. The tension was relieved by the coaches calling for a pause and delivering a powerfully important teaching note:
If you are going to share difficult information that might trigger someone in the audience you need to set them up for it. First, they need to know you are OK. Second, they need to know you are not going to ask them to share their moments or ask them to engage in any discussion about them. Finally, let them know you are sharing it to reveal a path forward that can help them.”
Chances are those weren’t the exact words Michael and Amy Port used in that moment, but that’s how I remember them.
There are clear reactions to difficult messaging…
As I scanned the audience while sharing those words there were three very clear non-verbal responses. About a third of the audience leaned back and folded their arms across their chests, essentially self-soothing and supportively sharing a hug. Another third looked away almost as if what they had just heard was too much to process, or perhaps hit too close to home. The other third seemed to look around at people to see how they were reacting, and in many cases looked at me and then at someone specific as though they were trying to guide me to connect with that person.
In the spirit of the masterclass I was participating in, I stepped back, rebooted, and began again.
This time my nerves were calmed as I opened, then moved forward to begin mapping the timeline. As I stepped to the right to share ‘the sentence’, I scanned the audience and carefully set them up for what was coming…letting them know I was OK, that they were not going to be asked to share anything or participate in any potentially uncomfortable exercise, and that I was sharing this to open a door to a path for making peace with your past.
The reactions I saw were completely different this time. Almost the entire audience leaned forward and waited for the next sentence to be spoken. Their compassion was palpable and for me life changing.
After decades of being silenced, it was truly cathartic to openly address the most traumatic moment of my life in front of my peers. Even though I was being observed and coached professionally, it was an important moment personally because it allowed me to connect with people on a deeper level—that helped lessen the power of the crime that had been committed on me when I was a child. Sharing my pain using the right words finally opened the door for me to be able to help others.
The Earned Lessons…
Take the chance to share the message that matters most to you because it is the one you earned that can and will change lives.
Be intentional in taking care of your audience by creating a safe space where they are prepared before you share something that might be difficult for them to hear.
Remember everyone is not your audience, but those who are will lean in when you help them feel safe and seen because you created a safe space for the audience before sharing your story.
Sharing your story opens the door to significant impact for the people you are here to serve, and they will show up on a regular basis, often when and where you least expect it (we’ll talk more about that in our next post).
Thank you for reading Earned Lessons. I really appreciate it.
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I remember that time that you were onstage so clearly, Michael. I celebrated your courage then, and do now. You've had such a journey over these last years, and its been an honor to witness it, and be a part of it, in some small way. Big hugs, always.
Excellent Michael. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Powerful lesson.